


we've been through much together, you and i

by bellaaanovak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5 Times, 5 times + 1, Episode: s05e03 Free to Be You and Me, Episode: s05e10 Abandon All Hope..., Episode: s05e14 My Bloody Valentine, Episode: s06e20 The Man Who Would Be King, Episode: s08e07 A Little Slice of Kevin, Episode: s09e22 Stairway to Heaven, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-02-03 03:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1728953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellaaanovak/pseuds/bellaaanovak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Dean could have told Cas he loves him, but chooses not to. One time he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we've been through much together, you and i

When Dean and Cas return from the strip joint, they head back to the stupidly beaten down house they’re residing in. Dean has Cas on strict “no-disappearing” lockdown. He’s going to need someone to talk to through this whole mess with Raphael and the damn apocalypse, what with Sam gone. He feels a pang of guilt and sorrow for letting his brother leave.

 

The two friends are sitting at the rickety table in the kitchen. Dean is nursing a bottle of beer, and Cas is staring out the rainy window. The hunter coughs and clears his throat, getting the angel’s attention.

 

“Hey, uh, Cas,” The other turns his head and looks into him. Jesus, those eyes are so incredibly old and wise. Dean will never tire of them. “I had a lot of fun tonight – more than I’ve had in years.”

“I know. You mentioned that already.” The angel drawls.

“Right.”

 

The friends drink and sit in silence. There’s a buzz of electricity and a flap of wings and Castiel is gone. Dean sets his beer down irritatingly and groans. “Aw, come on! I told you-“

“No disappearing,” Castiel’s voice from behind him startles him immensely, more than he’d like to admit, actually. He thinks he sees a small smile on the angel’s face, but it’s gone before he can ask. “I couldn’t help it. It was too dark in here. I may not _need_ the light, but it is comforting, and I know you do.”

 

Dean notices Cas is holding two medium-sized battery-powered lamps and realizes there is light throughout the entire house. The hunter stands up and wanders briefly around the house – there are lamps, lights, and candles everywhere. He smiles and walks back to Cas, who’s already turning the other lamps on. The dim, yellow light illuminates the kitchen as well as the other’s ocean blue eyes.

 

He knows he should say something, say the words he needs to just get out already, but he doesn’t. Not now.

 

“I – Thank you, Cas.” He says instead. He regrets it the moment the syllables leave his lips.

 

♛

 

He is mourning.

 

They are all mourning.

 

Ellen and Jo Harvelle – two of the most gifted and beautiful women Dean has ever met – are no longer gracing the Earth with their presences. Bobby doesn’t talk about it after he burns the photograph. Sam tells Dean he kept a copy. His brother is horrified, he’s miserable, he’s – he’s everything he’s trying not to show everyone he is. Although Dean has – _had_ – a different kind of close relationship with Jo, Sam loved her just as much. Ellen, too.

 

They were family, and now they’re gone.

 

Sam is comforting Bobby and Dean and even though the hunters aren’t asking for it, they appreciate it. Castiel wanders Bobby’s property and house aimlessly, silent. He always opens his mouth _just_ a little as if he wants to say something, but always ends up sealing those lips shut before he does.

 

When Bobby falls asleep, it’s nearly midnight. Dean is half finished with a rather large bottle of whiskey.

 

Two hours later, when Sam _finally_ gives in to slumber, Dean is still drinking. The bottle is almost empty.

 

Castiel trudges in through the back door and locks it. Dean swears he sees callouses on the angel’s fingers. Odd. Cas sits down at the kitchen table in front of Dean and studies the bottle. He does that stupid thing with his mouth again and straightens out his trench coat with his hands.

 

“If you have somethin’ to say, go on and say it.” Dean slurs. He’s exhausted and drunk and doesn’t really have time to handle the oblivious silence of the angel. Not tonight. Not when twenty-four hours earlier, Ellen and Jo were sitting at this very table. Castiel sighs.

“I see you have imbibed a great amount of alcohol. I’m still learning about humanity, but I don’t think drinking is a proper way to grieve.”

“You haven’t learned enough, then.” Dean groans and grabs the bottle, downing the last of it. He chokes a little and sputters out a harsh laugh. “This is how people grieve. Alcohol, drugs, food, sex – humanity is a shitty, broken thing, buddy.”

“That doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful.”

 

Dean’s heart skips two beats, and he isn’t sure it’s because of the whiskey or because of the way Castiel is looking at him – like he’s the most precious jewel in the universe or something. He’s seen that look. Maybe not on Cas before tonight, but he’s seen it on Sam. On Dad, on victims. He knows that look because he has that look whenever he looks at Cas.

 

Although he’d never admit it sober.

 

“I’m going to bed,” Dean spits. He attempts at standing, but falls back into the wooden chair. Castiel is up in an instant, pressing his forefinger and middle finger on his forehead. Dean suddenly feels clarity in his mind, and his stomach hurts a lot less than it just did. “Did you zap me sober?”

 

Castiel shrugs. “I do not particularly enjoy watching you suffer. I wish you could be happier, Dean. The Harvelle’s treated me extremely fairly and… like a friend. I miss them as well.”

Dean sighs heavily and rubs his face with his hands. He goes to pat the angel’s shoulder and suddenly doesn’t want to let go and wants to explode his affections all over him.

 

He doesn’t.

 

“Night, Cas.”

 

♛

 

Dean is sitting on the trunk of the Impala. He’s crying, he’s angry, he’s bitter. He wants nothing more than for all of this to be over. He wishes he doesn’t have to hear his brother’s pleads from behind the tough iron door of the panic room.

 

His voice is hoarse from screaming at the empty, starless sky. When he hears footsteps dragging on the dirt behind him, he doesn’t even budge. He doesn’t have the energy. It can’t be Bobby – Bobby’s legs don’t work. Unless Sam broke out, it’s not Sam. “Cas.”

 

“Hello, Dean,” The familiar, gravelly voice hits him deep in the heart and… somewhere else. “I’m sorry for interrupting, if I am.” Remorse. Dean scoffs. He thought angels weren’t supposed to feel things like that.

“You’re not.” Dean coughs. His throat is sore and burning. Castiel walks up closer to him and notices the various drops and puddles of blood staining the dirt from being thrown up and choked up. The angel reaches out his hand and Dean takes it, staring at it before bringing it down.

 

“What are you doing? You’re in awful condition, I…” Castiel trails off when Dean starts to smile pathetically. “You don’t want to be fixed. Dean, after all this time, after everything we’ve been through, and you _still_ don’t believe you’re deserving of being saved.” It was more of a statement, like the first time he said it.

“Sometimes it’s okay to feel like shit, Cas. Sometimes, it’s okay to have a hoarse throat and a helpless feeling in your gut. Sometimes it’s okay to want something you don’t – _can’t_ have. That’s just how the world works.” Dean swallows painfully. The angel sits next to him on the trunk.

“It’s okay to feel good things, too, then. It’s okay to be healthy and full of hope and desire.”

 

_Desire?_

Dean turns his head and looks at the angel solemnly. He’s trying not to focus on the outline of his jaw or the pink of his lips, but he can’t help himself. He craves Castiel.

 

“I… I get you, man. I’ve made my point, and my throat hurts. Could you, uh…?” Dean waves his finger towards his neck and sighs in relief when Cas’ fingers touch his forehead.

 

Maybe it’s the touch, or maybe it’s the smoothness of his throat, he doesn’t know. He’s fine with either one.

 

♛

 

Before Dean finds out about Castiel’s betrayal, he was going to tell him.

 

Bobby and Sam give him looks that say, _Dean. Something’s off. Something isn’t right. Please, listen to us._ All Dean ever has to say to either of them is, “This is _Cas_.” That should be enough for both of them to realize what he means.

 

Dean prepares himself. He shoves a condom in his wallet for good measure. He brushes his teeth, takes a shower. He runs to his car and tries to open the door as quick as he can. He _needs_ to see Cas. He needs to prove to his brother and to Bobby they have nothing to worry about. The angel wouldn’t lie to him, not after all they’ve been through together.

 

He’s going to tell him.

 

Suddenly Sam calls him back inside hastily. He says they found a location for the demon who knows where Crowley is.

 

\--

 

When they run into Castiel on the hunt, Dean falls apart. He seemingly melts into the old wooden floor like the damn Wicked Witch of the West, and it was all because of one little sentence. “Superman going to the dark side. I'm still just Castiel.”

 

Dean is so hurt and angry, he nearly growls out the words through the warm light of the holy fire, but he stops himself. “I was there. Where were you?”

 

♛

 

Dean is so desperate to figure out exactly how his best friend escaped the horror that was Purgatory.

 

He’s up all night thinking about it when he finally has the opportunity to get Castiel alone. They and Sam are in the Impala waiting for Mrs. Tran and Kevin to show up. Dean clears his throat and sighs. “Cas, can I talk to you outside?”

The two of them exit the Impala and Castiel tilts his head. “What?”

“Exactly! What?! What the hell happened? Back there. Purgatory. I told you I would get you out. We were there! It was like you just gave up. It's like you didn't believe we could do it. I mean, you kept saying that you didn't think it would work. Did you not trust me?” Dean inhales sharply when Castiel says his name slowly and takes a step closer.

“Dean…”

“I did everything I could to get you out – _everything_. I did _not_ leave you. I—“

 

Dean stops talking. He interrupts himself; he holds back, he can’t say it. He wants to, more than anything. He just can’t. What the hell is he supposed to say?

 

Is he supposed to confess with his brother in the car five feet away? With his friend mysteriously back from Purgatory? With his heart beating so fast it might burst?

 

“So you think this was your fault?”

 

Dean steps closer and holds his hands out, craving so badly to grab Castiel’s stupid trench coat and pull him in, but he can’t.

 

A car drives up with Mrs. Tran and the prophet inside.

 

♛

 

Before Sam, Dean, and Castiel depart from the building the angel’s previous cult was residing, Dean pats his friend on the arm.

 

He doesn’t want to let go again.

 

\--

 

They’re at the table in the bunker’s extensive library and Sam is somewhere else in the gigantic building.

 

Dean’s veins are pulsing under his skin and his hands are shaking, but he sees Castiel, so full of wisdom and a fading grace, and he sees beauty.

 

He remembers what Cas said to him so many years ago when he told him humanity is a shitty, broken thing. _That doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful_.

 

Cas is everything. Cas is a bundle of mistakes and broken promises but he’s also a mountain of glory and strength. And beauty. He is faithful, loyal, and incredible. He’s clueless and caring. He loves without question. Dean loves him.

 

He loves him more than he can stand.

 

“You really believe we three will be enough?”

 

“We always have been. I love you, Cas. Despite everything. God, _because_ of everything. I fucking love you.”

 

Sam is yelling for them before Castiel can even reply, but the smile on his face gives him hope.

 

\--

 

He feels like he can’t breathe in the bunker’s dungeon. He calls out for his brother, for Castiel. He can’t let it end this way, he _can’t_.

 

“Cas. Castiel!”

“I’m here, Dean.” The beautifully familiar voice is on the other side of the iron door and suddenly he hopes it’s the last voice he hears.

“Be honest with me. What did you think about what I told you?”

“I think you’re right. The three of us always have been enough. I’ve loved you for a long time, Dean. No matter what you’re going through, I will love you. I will find a way to get you out of this, I promise.”

 

Dean sighs of relief as he hears the footsteps walk away, and when Crowley appears, he tries to burn the words he just heard into his mind to distract him from wanting to kill.

 

He loves him.

 

He loves him more than he can stand.


End file.
